What Your Favorite Drink Says About You

By Clive Bannister

Like your clothes, your job, or your strict adherence to Megan's Law, the cocktail you order at your local bar/restaurant/key party tells people a great deal about your personality. “What does it say, exactly?” you're probably wondering. Nothing good, we promise you. Use this handy guide to determine what kind of message you want your drink order to send to that overweight, sexless Target employee you're hoping to bump uglies with tonight. And remember, kids: Drink as much as you can, as fast as you can.

COSMOPOLITAN
Probable Hobby:
Looking at yourself in the mirror for long periods of time, then going directly back to the gym.

What Your Drink Says:
“I'm totally just out with my girlfriends right now, totally just dancing and having fun, but tomorrow, I will totally weep quietly at brunch through my Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses as I repeat the phrase, ‘so cute' as may times as I can.”

PINA COLADA
Probable Hobby:
Playing Jimmy Buffet tapes at a reasonable volume on your back porch in the suburbs.

What Your Drink Says:
“Why, yes, I did get these jeans at Wal-Mart.”

SEX ON THE BEACH

Probable Hobby:
Very literally, having sex on beaches.
What Your Drink Says:
“I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word ‘sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely.”

MARTINI

Probable Hobby:
Standing next to German cars that aren't yours, having fake cell phone conversations about the strength of your nonexistent portfolio, and carrying around a tennis racket you have no intention of ever using on a court.
What Your Drink Says:
“Ah, yes. Gore Vidal. The Masters. Mercedes-Benz. Ha, ha! What's that, old chap? How dare you accuse me of stringing together random words associated with the upper class? I went to Yale School, you rapscallion!”

WHITE WINE

Probable Hobby:
Buying important-looking books at Barnes & Noble, placing them on your bookshelf, never reading them.
What Your Drink Says:
“Not only do I think I'm better than you and therefore too good to drink anything other than this '98 Pinot at a crowded sports bar, but I would also prefer it if you and your $20 shirt would quietly eat your Jalapeño Poppers and return to the middle-class suburb from whence you came.”

MARGARITA

Probable Hobby:
Attending outdoor summer concerts of ass-awful, washed-up bands like Van Halen and REO Speedwagon. Also, you wear jean shorts there.
What Your Drink Says:
“I don't have any issues with drinking during the day or experimenting with others.”

BLOODY MARY

Probable Hobby:
Drinking heavily as early in the morning as possible. Also, drinking cold soup out of a glass.
What Your Drink Says:
“I have trouble sitting through late breakfasts and early lunches with other people on account of my crippling dependence on alcohol. Luckily tomato juice-based drinks exist that allow me to get smshed as early in the morning as possible.”

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

Probable Hobby:
Reckless behavior that endangers yourself and others, and is therefore hilarious.
What Your Drink Says:
“So, wait—you're saying that my date-rape conviction is a turn-off? Come on, that was, like, four months ago. I'm real different now, baby. Hey, hey, hey—where do you think you're going in such a hurry?”

PBR CAN

Probable Hobby:
Looking for change in your couch, reading catalogs, using pay phones.
What Your Drink Says:
“The career of President of the Brew Crew is going exceptionally well. So well, if fact, that I've made the move from ramen noodles to spaghetti with butter. Can I offer you a handful of these unsalted generic-brand peanuts, m'lady?”

ANYTHING WITH GREY GOOSE

Probable Hobby:
Tip-frosting parties with your Men's Health-reading buddies from ab class, pointing at people with gun-hands while you dance to Justin Timberlake music.
What Your Drink Says:
“My third leg doesn't function correctly, and I believe, against all evidence available to me, that 50 Cent is a talented and versatile musical artist.”

JAGER SHOT

Probable Hobby:
Punching people in the face.
What Your Drink Says :
“Man, I could really punch someone in the face right about now.”

TAP WATER

Probable Hobby:
Going to the bar, getting so freaked out that the mere sight of a beer will bring your dinner back with a vengeance. Also of note: you have a great deal of self-control when it comes to choosing sexual partners.

What Your Drink Says:
“Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna puke. Seriously, I'm gonna puke… [Unintelligible] … Ugh… hold on, hold on. Lemme talk. That girl/guy with the face rash is kinda hot.”