Irish police were hunting for a beer bandit who stole 450 full kegs from the Guinness brewery _ the largest heist ever at Ireland's largest brewer.
National police said a lone man drove into the brewery _ a Dublin landmark and top tourist attraction _ on Wednesday and hitched his truck to a fully loaded trailer awaiting delivery to city pubs.
Diageo PLC, the beverage company that owns Guinness, said the brewery had never suffered such a large-scale theft before in its 248-year history.
Police said the raider took 180 kegs of Guinness stout, 180 kegs of U.S. lager Budweiser and 90 kegs of Danish beer Carlsberg. Guinness brews both of those foreign brands under license for sale in Ireland.
Police declined to say whether the theft had been captured by closed-circuit surveillance cameras. No description of the suspect was issued, suggesting that nobody got a good look at him.
Each keg holds about 88 British-sized pints, the most common serving size in Ireland, equivalent to 20 ounces each. The total theft involves 39,600 pints with a retail value exceeding $235,000.
Police said it would be difficult for the thief to sell the stolen beer without attracting attention, unless he has criminal associates who own a network of pubs.
But customs agents say it is common for pubs to sell stolen or smuggled cigarettes and alcohol, particularly counterfeit-labeled supplies of vodka, to avoid paying hefty taxes.
In the past, the outlawed Irish Republican Army and other gangs have hijacked truck shipments of alcoholic beverages and cigarettes for resale in pubs run by sympathizers or friends. Those raids typically happen in rural areas, never in the center of Dublin.
The Republic of Ireland, a country of 4.2 million, has more than 10,000 pubs and bars. The Guinness brewery in Dublin is the biggest supplier, producing more than 5 million kegs annually.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Man marries dog to lift curse
We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale!This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual.
It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.
The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Old People
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing! The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Monday, November 26, 2007
It takes an Italian to make a Woman feel like a woman...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark black hair and hazel eyes.He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time........No one moves........He removes his shirt........Muscles ripple across his chest........She gasps..........
He whispers:"Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Bram Stoker's Dracula - more Irish than Transylvanian?
It has inspired more than 1,000 movies and after the bible it's the biggest selling book of all time. But does Bram Stoker's gothic novel Dracula owe more of its inspiration to Ireland than to Transylvania?
Was Count Dracula really a bloodsucking Irish landlord who preyed on his19th century tenants? And were the undead and the gaunt haunted figures that fill the pages of Stoker's famous book straight out of Ireland's Great Famine?
These are the claims of director of the Bram Stoker's Dracula Organisation Dennis McIntyre, who says that very few people know that Stoker was in fact an Irishman.
"A lot of people are under the impression that Bram Stoker was an American, an Englishman, or a Romanian, but he wasn't. He was very much an Irishman," McIntyre said in an interview with Ireland's RTE Radio 1.
First published in1897, the took has never been out of print and has been translated into over 50 different languages. But while the story of Dracula is known by every generation throughout the world, many moviegoers and readers are unaware of its origins.
It's widely believed that Bram Stoker's Dracula tells the story of the 15th century bloodthirsty Romanian Prince Vlad Dracula III, better known as Vlad the Impaler.
The Transylvanian prince earned this name because of his reputation for impaling his enemies and watching them slowly and painfully die.
But according to Dennis McIntyre there the similarities end, and with the exception of the setting the story is a very Irish one.
He points out that the name Dracula comes from the Irish word "Droch Ola", which means "bad blood". Stoker's mother was from the West of Ireland and she told Bram about a cholera epidemic in 1832 when she witness large graves and people being pushed into them with wooden poles while they were still alive.
"They were literally buried alive. Did he get the idea of the undead being one of these?" McIntyre asked. If you committed suicide in Stoker's time it was actually believed that you became a vampire unless you got the stake through the heart treatment, he added.
There was a suicide burial plot in Clontarf, Dublin, where Stoker lived. As a boy the author used to spend hours playing in that graveyard and St. Michan's Church, where the Stoker family had a burial vault. "By some atmospheric freak in this church bodies are preserved by a natural mummification or they were in the past," said McIntyre.
Bram Stoker was born in Dublin in 1847 at the height of the Great Famine. This was one of the most catastrophic events in Irish history, with hundreds of thousands of people dying from starvation and disease or emigrating in 'coffin ships' to America.
The famine may have inspired the visual characteristics of Count Dracula and also his infamous obsession with bloodsucking, McIntyre believes. "So metaphorically speaking we think that Count Dracula might be the landlord up at the big castle sucking the blood of the peasants."
Stoker's Dracula is also full of Irish symbols - storms, fog, rats, gypsies, castle, abbey, etc.
Was Count Dracula really a bloodsucking Irish landlord who preyed on his19th century tenants? And were the undead and the gaunt haunted figures that fill the pages of Stoker's famous book straight out of Ireland's Great Famine?
These are the claims of director of the Bram Stoker's Dracula Organisation Dennis McIntyre, who says that very few people know that Stoker was in fact an Irishman.
"A lot of people are under the impression that Bram Stoker was an American, an Englishman, or a Romanian, but he wasn't. He was very much an Irishman," McIntyre said in an interview with Ireland's RTE Radio 1.
First published in1897, the took has never been out of print and has been translated into over 50 different languages. But while the story of Dracula is known by every generation throughout the world, many moviegoers and readers are unaware of its origins.
It's widely believed that Bram Stoker's Dracula tells the story of the 15th century bloodthirsty Romanian Prince Vlad Dracula III, better known as Vlad the Impaler.
The Transylvanian prince earned this name because of his reputation for impaling his enemies and watching them slowly and painfully die.
But according to Dennis McIntyre there the similarities end, and with the exception of the setting the story is a very Irish one.
He points out that the name Dracula comes from the Irish word "Droch Ola", which means "bad blood". Stoker's mother was from the West of Ireland and she told Bram about a cholera epidemic in 1832 when she witness large graves and people being pushed into them with wooden poles while they were still alive.
"They were literally buried alive. Did he get the idea of the undead being one of these?" McIntyre asked. If you committed suicide in Stoker's time it was actually believed that you became a vampire unless you got the stake through the heart treatment, he added.
There was a suicide burial plot in Clontarf, Dublin, where Stoker lived. As a boy the author used to spend hours playing in that graveyard and St. Michan's Church, where the Stoker family had a burial vault. "By some atmospheric freak in this church bodies are preserved by a natural mummification or they were in the past," said McIntyre.
Bram Stoker was born in Dublin in 1847 at the height of the Great Famine. This was one of the most catastrophic events in Irish history, with hundreds of thousands of people dying from starvation and disease or emigrating in 'coffin ships' to America.
The famine may have inspired the visual characteristics of Count Dracula and also his infamous obsession with bloodsucking, McIntyre believes. "So metaphorically speaking we think that Count Dracula might be the landlord up at the big castle sucking the blood of the peasants."
Stoker's Dracula is also full of Irish symbols - storms, fog, rats, gypsies, castle, abbey, etc.
Man marries dog to lift curse
We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale!
This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual.
It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.
The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.
But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual.
It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.
The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Wis. Man Upset Over Beer Shoots Goats
A man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer took vengeance by shooting the family's two pet goats, prosecutors say.
Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon.
The complaint said Mischler came home Monday from hunting and became angry with his 22-year-old daughter for letting the goats out and making a mess. While she was talking on the phone to her mother, authorities said, he told her to tell his wife to bring home some beer, but his wife refused because she was already on her way home.
He then threatened to shoot the goats, according to the complaint. After his wife arrived home, she and the daughter heard four gunshots.
"He shot both of them. He killed Flash, and the officer had to kill Chloe," the daughter, Megan Mischler, said in a phone interview Wednesday. "I really don't understand why he shot them - they didn't deserve it."
She said her father had been most angry about the mess the goats made, not the beer.
The family is now grieving the loss of the two goats, Megan Mischler said.
"We took those goats swimming, we took them to Dairy Queen to get ice cream, they were completely leash-trained," she said, her voice trembling. "They were more than goats to us, they were more like a dog. And they didn't deserve this."
Peter Mischler was released on $1,000 bond. When The Associated Press called the home Wednesday evening, his wife said her husband was not available for comment.
Peter W. Mischler, 48, was charged this week in Circuit Court with mistreatment of animals, possession of a firearm while intoxicated and disorderly conduct with a dangerous weapon.
The complaint said Mischler came home Monday from hunting and became angry with his 22-year-old daughter for letting the goats out and making a mess. While she was talking on the phone to her mother, authorities said, he told her to tell his wife to bring home some beer, but his wife refused because she was already on her way home.
He then threatened to shoot the goats, according to the complaint. After his wife arrived home, she and the daughter heard four gunshots.
"He shot both of them. He killed Flash, and the officer had to kill Chloe," the daughter, Megan Mischler, said in a phone interview Wednesday. "I really don't understand why he shot them - they didn't deserve it."
She said her father had been most angry about the mess the goats made, not the beer.
The family is now grieving the loss of the two goats, Megan Mischler said.
"We took those goats swimming, we took them to Dairy Queen to get ice cream, they were completely leash-trained," she said, her voice trembling. "They were more than goats to us, they were more like a dog. And they didn't deserve this."
Peter Mischler was released on $1,000 bond. When The Associated Press called the home Wednesday evening, his wife said her husband was not available for comment.
Friday, November 23, 2007
The Top 26 Reasons The French Are Rioting
26. Smoking banned in hospital operating-rooms
25. Domestic cats being attacked by serial skunk rapist
24. Population of fake Louis Vuitton bags reaching epidemic proportions
23. Matchpoint, Woody Allen's latest film, getting decent advanced buzz in America
22. Jerry Lewis announced two-month temporary retirement
21. Snooty Index at all-time high
20. Bill O'Reilly doesn't have enough reasons to bitch about them
19. Rodney Roi beat up by le police
18. French's Mustard tarnishing culinary reputation
17. European Union declares deodorant mandatory
16. 2006 model bidet delayed
15. Decades-old Truffaut/Godart debate finally reaches breaking point
14. Gerard Depardieu told them to
13. Can smell England from other end of chunnel
12. Found out escargot is actually snails
11. Heard a Jew got promoted at work
10. Hike in beret tax
9. All Frenchmen finally out of the closet
8. Pencil-thin-mustache factory outsourced to India
7. Upset to be seen along with London and school children's underpants
6. Neckerchiefs and striped shirts out of stock at Le Gap
5. Demanding royalties on Napoleon Dynamite
4. Sexual frustration caused by adorable pixie Audrey Tautou
3. La deluge (apres mois)
2. An American in Paris officially renamed A Freedom Lover in a Place Where They Hate Freedom
1. Because the French are assholes
25. Domestic cats being attacked by serial skunk rapist
24. Population of fake Louis Vuitton bags reaching epidemic proportions
23. Matchpoint, Woody Allen's latest film, getting decent advanced buzz in America
22. Jerry Lewis announced two-month temporary retirement
21. Snooty Index at all-time high
20. Bill O'Reilly doesn't have enough reasons to bitch about them
19. Rodney Roi beat up by le police
18. French's Mustard tarnishing culinary reputation
17. European Union declares deodorant mandatory
16. 2006 model bidet delayed
15. Decades-old Truffaut/Godart debate finally reaches breaking point
14. Gerard Depardieu told them to
13. Can smell England from other end of chunnel
12. Found out escargot is actually snails
11. Heard a Jew got promoted at work
10. Hike in beret tax
9. All Frenchmen finally out of the closet
8. Pencil-thin-mustache factory outsourced to India
7. Upset to be seen along with London and school children's underpants
6. Neckerchiefs and striped shirts out of stock at Le Gap
5. Demanding royalties on Napoleon Dynamite
4. Sexual frustration caused by adorable pixie Audrey Tautou
3. La deluge (apres mois)
2. An American in Paris officially renamed A Freedom Lover in a Place Where They Hate Freedom
1. Because the French are assholes
To: Donald Trump, CEO, The Trump Organization
From: Human Resources
Subject: The Glass Ceiling
Mr. Trump, for the last time, "The Glass Ceiling" is a metaphor for our company's systematic discrimination against the upward progress of women. We do not have, nor plan to build, an actual ceiling made of glass. In addition to posing a slew of architectural problems, it would require relocating all women to a separate floor.
From: Human Resources
Subject: The Glass Ceiling
Mr. Trump, for the last time, "The Glass Ceiling" is a metaphor for our company's systematic discrimination against the upward progress of women. We do not have, nor plan to build, an actual ceiling made of glass. In addition to posing a slew of architectural problems, it would require relocating all women to a separate floor.
We are, however, looking into the construction of a glass floor and mandatory skirt policy for dames.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
You know how depressing it is when the local you've happily been sinking pints at for years suddenly seems to be going downhill?
Well a few months ago, landlord Dave Edwards of the Rose & Crown in Worthing on the South Coast began to notice that was exactly what was happening to his own pub.
As his bar manager, a man who doesn't mince his words, puts it: "We're a nice place with nice, often more mature, customers. We have a Thai restaurant in the evenings, and they come for a quiet drink and something to eat.
"Then suddenly - I'm not a snob - but we started getting all these loudmouthed yobs in. Younger drinkers, 19 to 30-year-olds, and builders and labourers.
"They weren't fighting - we'd never have let things get to that stage - but they were creating, and it was bad enough to make the other customers start leaving early."
Dave noticed that besides being trouble, all these "rogue elements" had something else in common. When they asked for "the usual", it always meant the same thing: a pint of Stella Artois.
"With Stella, we got a minimum amount of drinking and a maximum amount of aggravation," says Dave. "It didn't appear to be a social drink and seemed to have an adverse effect on people. Everyone who was drinking Stella was a pain."
His solution was blindingly simple. He cancelled his order for Stella Artois and replaced it with another lager, San Miguel.
Within a matter of weeks, the rowdy crowd had found somewhere else to drink and it was business as usual at the Rose & Crown. Everyone, it seemed, was happy.
Well perhaps not quite everyone.
For InBev, the company which owns the enormously successful and profitable beer, this incident was further worrying proof that Stella Artois, once best known for its unashamedly upmarket advertising slogan, "reassuringly expensive", has, as a member of the drinks trade phrases it, "done a Burberry" - the fashion house which became the designer label of choice for football thugs.
In short, it has gone from being a product with a certain degree of class to one associated with all the wrong sort of people.
Despite heavily discounted prices, sales of Stella Artois in Britain have slumped recently with take-home sales down five per cent. Perhaps this is not surprising when own-brand supermarket lagers are now cheaper even than mineral water at an astonishing 22p per can.
But Stella's owner is now trying to fight back with a new multi-million pound advertising campaign. It has dropped the "reassuringly expensive" slogan ("but only for the time being," insists a spokesman), and is attempting to reposition the lager with a Continental set of ads that doesn't mention "Stella" at all.
"It would be naive to say no [there isn't an image problem]," admits a spokesman for InBev.
Nude Man Accused of Causing I-95 Crashes
Delaware State Police have arrested a Chester, Pennsylvania, man who they said was running naked and drunk on Interstate-95 and caused three accidents.
Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, was running along the southbound lanes near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. He is charged with two counts of assault and a single count of being drunk on the highway.
Two citizens tried to help Gilbert, but police say he began to assault them. Then police said he ran back into traffic and caused three accidents when cars tried to avoid hitting him.
No one was seriously injured.
Gilbert is being held at the Howard Young Correctional Institute in Wilmington.
Police said Ardonas Gilbert, 26, was running along the southbound lanes near Marsh Road about 10 p.m. Monday. He is charged with two counts of assault and a single count of being drunk on the highway.
Two citizens tried to help Gilbert, but police say he began to assault them. Then police said he ran back into traffic and caused three accidents when cars tried to avoid hitting him.
No one was seriously injured.
Gilbert is being held at the Howard Young Correctional Institute in Wilmington.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Maxi-pads
MR. JAMES THATCHER,BRAND MANAGER,PROCTER & GAMBLE.
- - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f ______ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS.
And that's a promise I will keep.Always.
Best,Wendi AaronsAustin , TX
- - -
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f ______ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss yourFlexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending BS.
And that's a promise I will keep.Always.
Best,Wendi AaronsAustin , TX
Monday, November 19, 2007
PERSONAL ADS
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish...................................49.
* Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic................................No breasts.
* Average looking.....................Moooo.
* Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure...................On medication.
* Feminist...............................Fat.
* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
* Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s
* Open-minded.........................Desperate.
* Outgoing...............................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional............................Witch.
* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate........................Stalker
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes.....................................No
* No.......................................Yes
* Maybe.................................No
* We need...............................I want
* I am sorry..............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk......................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead........................You better not
* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
* I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
* I am tired..............................I am tired
* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
* I love you...............................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?...................I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.
* 40-ish...................................49.
* Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic................................No breasts.
* Average looking.....................Moooo.
* Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure...................On medication.
* Feminist...............................Fat.
* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
* Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s
* Open-minded.........................Desperate.
* Outgoing...............................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional............................Witch.
* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate........................Stalker
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes.....................................No
* No.......................................Yes
* Maybe.................................No
* We need...............................I want
* I am sorry..............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk......................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead........................You better not
* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
* I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
* I am tired..............................I am tired
* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
* I love you...............................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?...................I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Racism
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days! Here's an example!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?
"The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ...... But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?
"The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!
"With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?
"The clerk replies,"
"Because you're at Home Depot"
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?
"The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ...... But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?
"The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!
"With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?
"The clerk replies,"
"Because you're at Home Depot"
New Zealand - A British man who moved to New Zealand has been told by officials that his wife is too fat to join him. Richie Trezise, 35, a rugby-playing Welshman, lost weight to gain entry to New Zealand after being rejected for being overweight and a potential burden on the health care system.
Richie and Rowan Trezise have been battling to shed pounds. His wife, Rowan, is now on a strict diet. However, she has been battling for months to shed the pounds so they can be reunited and live Down Under. Mr Trezise moved to New Zealand in September after shedding two inches from his waist on a crash diet.
Richie and Rowan Trezise have been battling to shed pounds. His wife, Rowan, is now on a strict diet. However, she has been battling for months to shed the pounds so they can be reunited and live Down Under. Mr Trezise moved to New Zealand in September after shedding two inches from his waist on a crash diet.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Turn Warm Beer to Freezing Cold Beer in Seconds; Without Ice!
A young 22 year old inventor, by the name of Kent Hodgson, has found a way to almost instantly chill a beverage without using any ice. His relatively simple idea uses liquid CO2 to turn a warm beverage into a cold one within seconds.
The usefulness of a small device such as this one is endless. It could eliminate the need for hauling around those huge coolers to the beach or to a barbecue. It can also save space in your refrigerator by not having to put huge cases of beer, or other drink, into the fridge, and instead cooling the drink right before you actually drink it. Also, this device does not dilute the drink, like ice does.
The inventor of this device says that the technology involved in this little gadget is very simple. Here's how he explains it in his own words, "You have plastic cooling cells which are pressed down into the dock which houses the liquid carbon dioxide. The liquid CO2 expands and is pressurized into dry ice in the base of the cooling cells ... in a moment. You then pop it into your drink and then proceed from there as you normally would."(Kent Hodgson)
Huski beverage chiller
The device is slightly larger than a pen, and it is expected to cool a case of beer with one canister of CO2. At this rate, it is estimated that it will cost about 7 cents to cool each beer. Well worth it, if you ask me, to have a warm beer turn ice cold within seconds.
Kent Hodgson calls his invention Huski, and he is currently showing the device at an exhibit at the Design Exposure 2007 at Britomart Pavilion. He is currently working on patenting the device, and expects to retail it for about $50.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Florida Court Case
(If you haven't read about this case in the news ....)
Miami Dade County , FL (AP) - A nine-year old boy was at the center of a Miami Dade County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of himThe boy has a history of being beaten by his parents - and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with Florida child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest possible degree. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents - and he adamantly refused to live with her.When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.After two recesses to check legal references - and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted official temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.....
Miami Dade County , FL (AP) - A nine-year old boy was at the center of a Miami Dade County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of himThe boy has a history of being beaten by his parents - and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with Florida child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest possible degree. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents - and he adamantly refused to live with her.When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.After two recesses to check legal references - and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted official temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.....
Colonoscopies
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their...
Colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Man in India Marries Dog As Atonement
A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death in an act he believes cursed him a newspaper reported Tuesday.
Spiggy-Dishe married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.
Spiggy-Dishe, told the paper he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago.
"After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said in the report.
The paper said an astrologer had told Spiggy-Dishe the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. It did not say whether his situation had improved.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can ward off certain curses.
The paper showed a picture of Spiggy-Dishe sitting next to the dog, which was wearing an orange sari and a flower garland.
The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
Spiggy-Dishe married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.
Spiggy-Dishe, told the paper he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago.
"After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said in the report.
The paper said an astrologer had told Spiggy-Dishe the wedding was the only way he could cure the maladies. It did not say whether his situation had improved.
Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can ward off certain curses.
The paper showed a picture of Spiggy-Dishe sitting next to the dog, which was wearing an orange sari and a flower garland.
The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Check out your Zip Code....
Check out your zipcode you will not believe the information you will find there!
http://zipskinny.com/
http://zipskinny.com/
80-year old man
An 80-year old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
yesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night
to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF!
the light goes off.
"WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF!
the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
yesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night
to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF!
the light goes off.
"WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF!
the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
Are you still cool?
This test is based on how cool you were in High School ----- What crowd you ran with, etc.
It takes less than a minute to complete, but it's still pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends, to see if they've changed.
SEE IF YOUR STILL A COOL PERSON:
http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
It takes less than a minute to complete, but it's still pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends, to see if they've changed.
SEE IF YOUR STILL A COOL PERSON:
http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
Saturday, November 10, 2007
According to Manuel J Castillo Garzón, Professor of Human Physiology from Spain's University of Granada, beer is actually better at rehydrating the body after exercise. When he gave some runners a half-pint of beer after a workout, it showed that beer helped quench their thirst and replenish calories better than those given water.
And that drunk, Garzón, isn't the only one backing the claims. Juan Antonio Corbalan, a (drunk) cardiologist who worked formerly with Real Madrid football players and Spain's national basketball team, said beer had the perfect profile for re-hydration after sport.
And that drunk, Garzón, isn't the only one backing the claims. Juan Antonio Corbalan, a (drunk) cardiologist who worked formerly with Real Madrid football players and Spain's national basketball team, said beer had the perfect profile for re-hydration after sport.
Medical student Wes Pemberton was scheduled to be officially measured in October in Tyler, Texas, for his upcoming spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. He told KLTV that he has a leg hair 5.0 inches long, surpassing the incumbent record of 4.88 inches. Pemberton said that his prize hair is growing amidst other normal-length hair, and that he has been treating it with conditioner to keep it strong for the measuring.
We have not been able to confirm if he is related to Roy.
We have not been able to confirm if he is related to Roy.
Brew Crew of Collee Football
 |
| Miraculous Win with Fifteen Laterals in a Football Game |
 |
| As I'm typing this right now, the crappy news station on TV behind me is actually showing this clip. So yeah, everyone in the world has probably seen it already. Shit. |
Friday, November 9, 2007
Bimbo seek to buy bankrupt Twinkies
KANSAS CITY, Missouri (Reuters) - Los Angeles-based investment fund Yucaipa Cos and the U.S. arm of Mexico-based Grupo Bimbo (BIMBOA.MX: Quote, Profile, Research) are offering to take over bankrupt Interstate Bakeries Corp (IBCIQ.PK: Quote, Profile, Research), the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread.
Woman Takes Out Ad to Sell Breast Milk
CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) -- A woman who doesn't want her breast milk to go to waste has taken out a newspaper ad in hopes of selling it. Martha Heller, 22, of Tiffin, took out the ad in The Gazette, offering 100 ounces of her breast milk for $200 or the best offer.
Heller said her freezer is overflowing with breast milk that she has pumped since August. Her 4-month-old daughter won't drink from a bottle and the supply is piling up.
Heller now donates to the University of Iowa's Mother's Milk Bank, but the 100 ounces of milk she wants to sell was pumped before going through the screening process for the bank and cannot be donated.
Linda Klein, a lactation consultant at Mercy Medical Center in Cedar Rapids, said breast milk can generally be stored in a freezer for up to six months.
Heller said she researched laws regarding the sale of breast milk and couldn't find any in Iowa.
Don McCormick, a spokesman for the Iowa Department of Public Health, said he was not aware of any laws in Iowa restricting the sale of breast milk, but that state health officials advised against it.
Heller said she hasn't received any legitimate calls about her ad.
"There was one prank caller," she said.
Heller said her freezer is overflowing with breast milk that she has pumped since August. Her 4-month-old daughter won't drink from a bottle and the supply is piling up.
Heller now donates to the University of Iowa's Mother's Milk Bank, but the 100 ounces of milk she wants to sell was pumped before going through the screening process for the bank and cannot be donated.
Linda Klein, a lactation consultant at Mercy Medical Center in Cedar Rapids, said breast milk can generally be stored in a freezer for up to six months.
Heller said she researched laws regarding the sale of breast milk and couldn't find any in Iowa.
Don McCormick, a spokesman for the Iowa Department of Public Health, said he was not aware of any laws in Iowa restricting the sale of breast milk, but that state health officials advised against it.
Heller said she hasn't received any legitimate calls about her ad.
"There was one prank caller," she said.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Cow falls off cliff, lands on pair's minivan
MANSON, Wash. - Charles and Linda Everson were driving back to their hotel when their minivan was struck by a falling object — a 600-pound cow.
The Eversons were unhurt but the cow, which had fallen off a cliff, had to be euthanized.
The year-old cow fell about 200 feet from the cliff and landed on the hood of the couple's minivan, causing extensive damage.
A Chelan County fire chief, Arnold Baker, said the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches in the accident Sunday on a highway near Manson.
The cow had been grazing in a field where a large amount of mushrooms had been growing and apparently believed it could jump over the moon.
A neighbors dog was seen laughing and there is still no sign of the dish and spoon.
The Eversons were unhurt but the cow, which had fallen off a cliff, had to be euthanized.
The year-old cow fell about 200 feet from the cliff and landed on the hood of the couple's minivan, causing extensive damage.
A Chelan County fire chief, Arnold Baker, said the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches in the accident Sunday on a highway near Manson.
The cow had been grazing in a field where a large amount of mushrooms had been growing and apparently believed it could jump over the moon.
A neighbors dog was seen laughing and there is still no sign of the dish and spoon.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
NY Church Phone Used for Sex Line Call
Thou shalt not use a church's telephone to call a sex hot line, saith police in this Hudson Valley town.
A homeless man has been accused of breaking into a Valley Cottage church by picking a lock so he could dial a sex line.
James Macnair was arraigned Monday night before Clarkstown Justice Scott Ugell on charges of burglary, possession of a burglar's tools and petty larceny. He admitted he had sinned before, breaking into the Elim Alliance Church days earlier for the same reason, the judge said.
A church treasurer found Macnair on the phone both times, police said. The first time, when he was in an office, she told him to leave, but the second time, when he was in a basement area used as a nursery for children, she called 911, they said.
Macnair, 35, was being held without bail Tuesday at the Rockland County jail and was due in court Wednesday. A desk officer at the jail said it wasn't possible to put Macnair on the phone to speak to a reporter.
A homeless man has been accused of breaking into a Valley Cottage church by picking a lock so he could dial a sex line.
James Macnair was arraigned Monday night before Clarkstown Justice Scott Ugell on charges of burglary, possession of a burglar's tools and petty larceny. He admitted he had sinned before, breaking into the Elim Alliance Church days earlier for the same reason, the judge said.
A church treasurer found Macnair on the phone both times, police said. The first time, when he was in an office, she told him to leave, but the second time, when he was in a basement area used as a nursery for children, she called 911, they said.
Macnair, 35, was being held without bail Tuesday at the Rockland County jail and was due in court Wednesday. A desk officer at the jail said it wasn't possible to put Macnair on the phone to speak to a reporter.
Man With Beer Takes Hearse to Go Fishing
WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A mourner who authorities say got drunk, took a hearse from outside a New Zealand funeral venue and outran pursuing funeral directors told police he was "going fishing" when they pulled him over.
Police said 46-year-old Barry Sexton, a sickness beneficiary, brought a carton of beer for the trip, told them he was heading to the coast to "check out the sea conditions."
The man had been attending a funeral near the tourist town of Rotorua on central North Island when he allegedly stole the blue Ford Forte hearse.
There was no dead body on board at the time.
Snr. Sgt. Ian Campion said funeral directors chased their $15,200 hearse as it was driven off, but eventually lost track of it and called police.
The man had the carton of beer with him in the front of the hearse when he was stopped by police.
"He said he was wanting to go for a ride to (the coastal town of) Maketu to check out the sea conditions before going fishing," Campion was reported telling the "New Zealand Herald" newspaper.
The man allegedly had been drinking all day at the funeral and was described by Snr. Sgt. Deirdre Lack as "snookered" when arrested.
He has been charged with unlawfully taking a motor vehicle.
Police said 46-year-old Barry Sexton, a sickness beneficiary, brought a carton of beer for the trip, told them he was heading to the coast to "check out the sea conditions."
The man had been attending a funeral near the tourist town of Rotorua on central North Island when he allegedly stole the blue Ford Forte hearse.
There was no dead body on board at the time.
Snr. Sgt. Ian Campion said funeral directors chased their $15,200 hearse as it was driven off, but eventually lost track of it and called police.
The man had the carton of beer with him in the front of the hearse when he was stopped by police.
"He said he was wanting to go for a ride to (the coastal town of) Maketu to check out the sea conditions before going fishing," Campion was reported telling the "New Zealand Herald" newspaper.
The man allegedly had been drinking all day at the funeral and was described by Snr. Sgt. Deirdre Lack as "snookered" when arrested.
He has been charged with unlawfully taking a motor vehicle.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Woolly breasts for mums-to-be
A hospital seeking cheap alternatives to costly fake breasts is knitting its own.
The woolly boobs are used to teach expectant mothers at Liverpool Women's Hospital how to breastfeed and express milk by hand. The hospital has so far produced 16 breasts in a variety of skin tones and nipple shades.
These knitted breasts are a cheap and effective way for midwives and community midwives to give a precise demonstration.
They are roughly the same size, having been stuffed with old tights or soft toy filler.
The hospital's infant feeding coordinator Kate McFadden has knitted several, and also asked her mother to pitch in.
Others were knitted by community groups, including the official friends of the hospital association.
Ms McFadden said: 'You can buy model breasts, but they cost around £35 each, which is quite prohibitive, as we need about 50.
'So we got the pattern from the Lactation Consultants' Association, and asked any knitters we knew if they could help.
Read more at the:
International Lactation Consultants Association'
http://www.ilca.org/
The woolly boobs are used to teach expectant mothers at Liverpool Women's Hospital how to breastfeed and express milk by hand. The hospital has so far produced 16 breasts in a variety of skin tones and nipple shades.
These knitted breasts are a cheap and effective way for midwives and community midwives to give a precise demonstration.
They are roughly the same size, having been stuffed with old tights or soft toy filler.
The hospital's infant feeding coordinator Kate McFadden has knitted several, and also asked her mother to pitch in.
Others were knitted by community groups, including the official friends of the hospital association.
Ms McFadden said: 'You can buy model breasts, but they cost around £35 each, which is quite prohibitive, as we need about 50.
'So we got the pattern from the Lactation Consultants' Association, and asked any knitters we knew if they could help.
Read more at the:
International Lactation Consultants Association'
http://www.ilca.org/
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Chris Berman Teaches His Son About World War II
This week, we see ESPN personality Chris Berman helping his 10-year-old son study for his upcoming History test.
Chris Berman’s Kid (CBK): Hey dad, I need your help with this history test I’ve got coming up. Do you have a sec?Chris Berman (CB): Alright, shoot.
CBK: Ok, well I really need your help though. Please don’t do what you did last time.
CB: You got it, Li’l Boomer.
CBK: Don’t call me that. Okay… so who led Germany and Italy?
CB: Germany was led by Adolf Hitler Me with Your Best Shot. (Son rolls his eyes) And Italy… Benito Bullwinkle J. Mussolini.
CBK: Alright. (Taking notes) But, seriously, you don’t have to give them nicknames, you can just tell me, that works better, I think. What about the leaders of the U.S. and England?
CB: Franklin Kiss from a Roosevelt…
CBK: (Under his breath) Seal?
CB: Aaand Winston Chuchill or High Water.
CBK: Okay, honestly, it’s just distracting. Please. Stop giving them those stupid nicknames. I just need to study. Why did America get involved in the war?
CB: Well, it’s more complicated than one issue, but the simple answer is Pearl Jam Harbor.
CBK: Pearl Jam Harbor?
CB: Ya know, Pearl Harbor, but… Pearl Jam… that grunge band that was huge in the 90’s. Eddie Vedder. Come on, you know Pearl Jam.
CBK: Ok, not only did you give a nickname to an event, it was a nickname you had to explain. Stop. No one thinks you’re funny anymore.
CB: Oh! Auschwitz-y Woman!
CBK: STOP!
CB: Harry Too Good to be Truman. George S. Patton the Back. Charles de Gaulle-righty Then. Chiang Kai-shek, Please!
CBK: (Leaving) I hate my life.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Twins Invent Wedgie-Proof Underwear
Wedgie-proof underwear earned 8-year-old twin boys a spot Friday on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."
Using rigged boxers and fabric fasteners to hold together some seams, Jared and Justin Serovich came up with the "Rip Away 1000."
"When the person tries to grab you _ like the bully or the person tries to give you a wedgie _ they just rip away," Justin explained Thursday by phone from Los Angeles, where the TV segment was taped Wednesday.
The third graders from Gables Elementary School began brainstorming one day after they were horsing around, giving each other the treatment. Their mother's partner sarcastically said someone ought to invent wedgie-proof underwear, the family said.
The project got the boys to the finals of a central Ohio invention competition earlier this year, followed by the television appearance.
Using rigged boxers and fabric fasteners to hold together some seams, Jared and Justin Serovich came up with the "Rip Away 1000."
"When the person tries to grab you _ like the bully or the person tries to give you a wedgie _ they just rip away," Justin explained Thursday by phone from Los Angeles, where the TV segment was taped Wednesday.
The third graders from Gables Elementary School began brainstorming one day after they were horsing around, giving each other the treatment. Their mother's partner sarcastically said someone ought to invent wedgie-proof underwear, the family said.
The project got the boys to the finals of a central Ohio invention competition earlier this year, followed by the television appearance.
Another Husband
The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
'Your're with the 'GOVERNMENT'...
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'
Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?
'Your're with the 'GOVERNMENT'...
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.'
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Man Accused of Guzzling at Wis. Wal-Mart
MUKWONAGO, Wis. (AP) -- A man told police he couldn't help himself when he took seven bottles of a spiked lemonade drink from the shelf at a Wal-Mart Supercenter and drank them in the liquor aisle.
Police Chief Fred Winchowky said the 43-year-old town of Eagle man claimed he was a recovering alcoholic and had been dry for 16 months before he went to the store Oct. 14 with his wife, who was not aware of what he was doing.
"He went down that aisle and he said 'I just couldn't control myself,'" Winchowky said. "He stated he was upset he broke his 16-month streak and he didn't know how he was going to tell his wife."
The chief said security video caught the man drinking the 12-ounce bottles of Jack Daniels Lynchburg Lemonade over a 15-minute period. He placed the empty bottles back on the shelf.
Confronted by a store official, he first denied it but smelled of intoxicants, Winchowky said.
The man was cited for retail theft.
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