The Mongolian soccer coach on the train

Nebraska photographer and writer Dean Jacobs is traveling the world and emailing a series of reports to the Bulletin. In this report, he deals with a hostile drunk in Siberia.

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For the first five hours it was entertaining, until it went too far. My subtle hints that I was going to sleep didn’t work. When I made attempts to cover my body with a blanket as if I was going to sleep, Coach Bol would stumble over and plop down on top of my body, and begin the same conversation.

The drunken star player kept moving from bunk to bunk. At one point his legs and feet are draped across my bunk, and his head and trunk lay in the bunk across the way.

When I suggested it was time for sleep, Coach insisted it was time to drink.

After six hours of drinking, Coach Bol started pointing his finger at me, and then drew it across his neck while saying the word “Mongol” as if telling me he was going to slit my throat in Mongolia.

My French traveling companion had left a few hours earlier, unable to deal with the threats. Now I had come to the same conclusion. It’s time to leave.

In the middle of the night I stood alone in the walkway of the train car staring out the window. My sleeping compartment reeked with spilled beer and vodka.

The Russian train attendant came by and made hand motions for me to go to bed. In the same type of hand language, I responded that I was not going back in there and that the man was crazy, drunk and wanted to fight.

She walked away, leaving me standing in the hallway.

My French friend Gildas poked his head out of the safe haven he escaped to and said, “Come in here. We have room. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Suddenly Coach Bol came out, stood next to me and made the same symbolic hand motion across his neck.

I asked myself, “Jeesh, how did I get myself bunked up with Chinggis Khaan?”

Twenty minutes passed as the coach made evil drunk stares. Suddenly from out of nowhere, four Russian policemen showed up.

“Passports!” shouted one of the officers, as he tapped his nightstick in the palm of his hand. For two hours the coach and star player stumbled around the room as they tore through bags trying to find the misplaced documents. At one point Coach asked me if I had their passports.

I shook my head no.

The train attendant tapped me on the shoulder and instructed me to follower her. I took the opportunity to grab my belongings and escaped to a safe haven to grab a few hours of sleep.

As I walked to my new sleeping quarters, the Frenchman posed the question, “Do you think they have called ahead to have their friends kill us when we arrive?”

“Nah.” They were too drunk to even dial a phone.

The next morning I see Coach Bol and his star player carrying their bags to get off the train.

Both were sober.

He smiled as I asked to have my photo taken with them.

He waved goodbye as they stepped off the train.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Mongolia, number one.”

Man Found Alive After His Funeral

More than 100 people attended Frederick McWherter Jr.'s funeral in E. St. Louis, Ill., only to find out he was still alive.

An open casket funeral was held Sunday for the man called Junior at the House of Prayer to All Nations Church -- but it wasn't Junior in the casket, the St. Louis Post Dispatch reported.

Not only was McWherter not dead, he was in a drug rehab center about seven miles from the funeral.

Everybody there mourned Junior's death, his father, Frederick McWherter Sr., told the Post-Dispatch. If anyone thought that was someone different, no one said anything. I buried my son, I thought. That's what everyone thought.

McWherter Sr., 67, was the one who identified the body. The similarity between the two men was uncanny, he said.

He looked just like my son, said McWherter Sr. He had two missing front teeth like my son. He had a beard like my son. The coroner asked if I needed to see another picture. I told him, 'I don't need another picture.' You'd think they were Siamese twins.

Study: Cell Phones Affect Sperm Count

A Cleveland study on sperm counts among cell phone users suggests there is a link between the length of talk time and sperm count.

Cellphones give off electromagnetic waves that some researchers say effects certain biological functions.

Cleveland Clinic Foundation Director Ashok Agarwal and his research team found a correlation between the amount of time spent talking on a cellphone and a low sperm count, USA Today reported Monday.

Agarwal cautioned that the data are quite preliminary and the study didn't ask about other sources of electromagnetic waves or where the men kept their phones.

Other similar studies suggest that the proximity of the waves makes a big difference and Agarwal said he found sperm quality dropped in about an hour in lab tests where phones where left by semen samples.

Research teams, however, said the results of the lab tests don't definitively suggest that cellphones affect fertility outside of the laboratory.

Naked Cowboy Sues Mars

New York's Naked Cowboy is suing the Mars confectionery giant for $6 million for stealing his image. Robert Burck is unhappy that a blue M+M was dressed in his skimpy trademark outfit for a video billboard ad, reports the New York Post.

The ad, which shows the animated sweet in a white hat, boots, guitar and underwear, attracts customers to M+M's Times Square store. It is virtually identical to the outfit worn by the Naked Cowboy each day in Times Square where he has become a tourist attraction.

The case will be heard in Manhattan federal court. "My initial response was like, 'Wow that's cool,' " said Burck, whose claim to fame is playing guitar at 45th Street and Broadway, holding the instrument over his briefs to make him appear to be naked. But then he decided a major corporation was cashing in on his ingenuity and hard work.

"All I've got is my underwear. It's the most brilliant thing that's ever been created from a marketing perspective. You can't stop it," said Burck, 37, who filed suit on the advice of lawyers and trademark experts.

Mars is declining to comment on the case - however, the Naked Cowboy's candy-coated chocolate electronic alter ego has disappeared from two video billboards.

Simmons Pens Prostitute Book

Kiss star Gene Simmons is poised to shock the literary world with his latest book - a frank history of prostitution.

The tome - entitled Ladies Of The Night - will offer readers a historical insight into the world's oldest profession, plus Simmons' take on the trade from a very personal perspective.

He says, "They (prostitutes) make a very good living doing what biology dictates, which is they charge for their companionship."

The book - Simmons' third - will be released later this year.

The "Crazy Nights" rocker is currently embroiled in a legal battle after a video allegedly showing him having sex with a model was posted on the Internet.

Watch Kiss videos on their artist page!

Do not argue who's too drunk to drive

Authorities say a man accidentally ran over his wife Thursday after a drunken argument over who should drive near Cape Canaveral.

Florida state troopers say Richard Zubowicz thought his wife Becky was too drunk to drive. So they pulled into a grocery store parking lot to argue.

According to authorities, Richard Zubowicz pushed his wife to the ground, circled the parking lot in his sport utility vehicle and ran her over when he returned to the spot where they had been fighting.

Man accused of shocking mother with Taser

A 40-year-old man was arrested early Thursday on a charge of aggravated domestic battery for allegedly shocking his mother with a stun gun.

According to a Port St. Lucie Police Department report, Kenny Chumsky was "using a Taser on guests" about 2 a.m. Thursday at his mother's home in the 1000 block of Southwest Liberty Avenue.

"Kenny and everyone at this location were under the influence of alcohol," the report stated. Chumsky reportedly shocked his mother in the leg, causing her to fall and hit her head on the garage floor. She suffered "a scrape and swollen lump" on her forehead.

Chumsky's mother said she wanted to press charges against her son, the report stated, because she was "tired of being abused."

Redneck Tang Top

Why WebMD.com does not have sound

Turn up the volume

Redneck World

I'm Luvin It

Just Say Phuket and Have a Beer

When you think of Thailand, you immediately think of the food, the beaches, the women - and a whole host of other things. (Many of which happen to include those women.) Good beer typically doesn't come to mind.

Phuket Beer, the national beer of Thailand, may change that. A lager, brewed using all natural ingredients and German hops, Phuket is smooth, and incredibly drinkable. Part of that smoothness owes to the Jasmine rice that's added in the brewing process. It gives the beer a very slight sweetness, without having to add sugar. Making it a perfect beer to serve when there's ladies at the party. Especially when they continually ask to have a "fuk it". (For the record, it's pronounced "poo-KET". But they don't have to know.)

The first Thai beer ever to win a gold medal in competition, Phuket has been available in just a few US states for a couple of years, with a national rollout planned soon. (Check the website for availability.) If you're looking for something different to have at your next party, something with a little island flavor, go Phuket. You'll love it long time.

$7.99-$8.99 per six-pack
www.phuketbeerusa.com

Stupid Redneck

YORK, Pa. - Masking his appearance with a coat of drywall compound wasn't enough to protect the identity of a bank robber, authorities said. A NASCAR plate on the getaway car led police right to him.

Robert Coulson Lavery, 56, was convicted Wednesday in the Nov. 24, 2006, robbery of the New Cumberland Federal Credit Union, which netted $7,910, Fairview Township police said.

Least Competent People

It is apparently becoming more difficult to recruit competent suicide bombers in Afghanistan because twice in a two-day period in January, clumsy bombers accidentally blew themselves up before they ever had the chance to take their targets out. One fell down a flight of stairs while on his way to an attack in the town of Khost, and the other's bomb accidentally exploded as he was getting dressed for an assignment in the town of Lashkar Gah (although the latter bomber did take three colleagues with him). [Agence France-Presse, 1-24-08]

Youth breaks beer bottles on head for record

A youth in Orissa has broken at least 185 beer bottles on his head and about 100 tube lights on his body in an attempt to create a new world record.

Twenty year old Ramiya Ranjan Parida from Malkangiri, some 700 km from here, demonstrated his feat to hundreds of people in his hometown on Wednesday, eyewitnesses said.

At the beginning of his stunt, two of Parida's aides beat him up with old tube lights one by one and smashed at least 100 tube lights in the process, Binash Kumar Mishra, a local martial arts trainer, told IANS.

After that Parida himself picked up empty beer bottles kept on a table and broke them one by one on his head, Mishra said and added that he broke at least 185 bottles.

Parida took just nine minutes and five seconds to break all the tube lights and beer bottles, he added.

"I have been practising it for the past several months and hoped to create a world record," Parida, who teaches martial arts to children in the same town, told IANS over telephone.

"It is the inner confidence that helped me to do the amazing stunt."

He said his feat has been recorded and would be sent to the Limca book of records.

Rakesh Kumar Ludam, assistant surgeon of a nearby hospital, who examined Parida before and after, said: "Although he sustained some minor injuries on his head and body, he was absolutely normal after performing such a dangerous stunt. I am really surprised."

Beer + Chocolate = Love

Ah, some romantics like it a little edgier. And, for Valentine's Day, they're exploring malty, craft-brewed beers with fine chocolates.

"Jolly Pumpkin Brewery's brown ale with its cocoa and spices is fantastic with a raspberry truffle," said Stacey Faba, called the beer goddess by many. "I'll say it's one of my happiest pairings of all. The chocolate just melded into the beer. It tasted like it belonged with the beer."

Faba, also co-owner of Pauly's specialty bottle shop, in Lowell, long has recognized the deliciousness of beer and chocolate pairings.

"Chocolate and beer is just a fantastic combination and the easiest pairing is dark beers, like stouts and porters, with chocolate," Faba said. "So when I do beer and chocolate pairings, I like to find things that wouldn't naturally come to mind."

Pair Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales Maracaibo Especial Special Brown Ale ($9.99 750-ml, Dexter) with chocolates from Mary Ann's Chocolates to find your favorite match.

With beer and chocolate pairings, you're getting that one plus one equals three because you're creating a new flavor sensation, said chocolatier Charles "Smitty" Golczynski, also the executive chef at The Catering Co., who hand-crafts a chocolate truffle line at The Catering Co. Chocolates. Available at Martha's Vineyard, 200 Union Ave. NE.

"It's actually easier to pair beer with chocolate than wine with chocolate," Golczynski said. "Sometimes, the intensity of chocolate takes over wine and the acidity in wine, doesn't balance right."

Rex Halfpenny, of the Michigan Beer Guide, conducted a beer and chocolate seminar during the Traverse City Epicurean Classic and broadened everyone's perceptions.

"What makes a chocolate and beer tasting great is the fact that it is unusual, and it works. Even folks who say they don't like beer like chocolate," Halfpenny explained. "Anyone with an untrained palate can find bready, toasty, caramel, toffee, roasty, chocolate, coffee and, yes, fruity notes in beer. They just have to get it out of the bottle and stop long enough to think about it."

Beer and chocolate pairings on Valentine's Day are the perfect couple, said Rex Halfpenny, certified beer judge and publisher of the Michigan Beer Guide, a magazine promoting local beer. But not all beer and chocolates mix.

"I do, however, feel that pairing industrial light lager with M&Ms is not a very attractive or entertaining pairing, but it would work," said Halfpenny, of Oakland Township. "Far better to use higher grades of chocolate, not candy, and pair them with craft-brewed beers such as those we have here in Michigan."

SI's Body Painting

Different Strokes

People magazine says that Gary Coleman has secretly married Shannon Price. Actually it wasn't a secret really, as much as just no one asked. But shocking gets shockinger when People reveals that Gary is 40 years old, yet Shannon is just 22. Also, she is 5'7" tall, while he stands just 4'8". More shocking details when we come back. And we're back. People says

We're not big scented candle burners as a group, we men. I don't think it's that we have anything against the flame, per se. I think it's more a matter of the choices we've got in scented candles. Among the sea of fragrances like Rose Petals in the Rain, Seaside Enchantment, and Candied Lemon Fig, we get to chose from maybe one or two smells we wouldn't mind permeating our place. And it typically runs in the vanilla family. Or maybe a "spice".

Not anymore. Over at Hotwicks.com they've concocted a series of eight candles any guy would be proud to have smelling up his place. The 8-ounce tins contain burnable scents like Beer, Pigskin, Campfire, Grass and Coffee. You'll never again have to choose between your masculinity and masking odors with Petunia Paradise.

There's also a few unusual fragrances included in the line. Hippie smells like your favorite bong filler, and according to Hotwicks is "a great gift for your favorite stoner, college student, or one of those wookie looking dudes that wanders around concert parking lots selling bean burritos and hemp necklaces." Right on, dude.

My personal favorite is Stripper, their "alibi and candle all in one." Smelling like "the perfume counter at the department store times a thousand" with a little glitter added in (anyone know what glitter smells like?), your girl will never know if you took home a drunken pole spinner (or two), or you're just burning your favorite candle.

Then there's the Urinal Cake candle. Ever wanted your personal bathroom to have that same sharp, chemical smell of the public restrooms at the stadium? Me either. But you can if you want to. It'll add a new level of authenticity to game day parties at your place.

$9.95 - (Limited time, buy 2 get one free, with promo code "THREE" at checkout)
www.hotwicks.com

Sports Illustrated revealed today, or actually last night on the David Letterman show, that Marisa Miller is the cover girl for this years swimsuit issue. It is her seventh consecutive appearance in the issue, but her first cover.

Safe Office Sex - The Condom Paperweight

You know how it goes. You're in a meeting with Stacy from Accounting - just going over your spread sheets - when all that talk about EBITA and gross profit margin starts getting her hot. Next thing you know her sharply pleated Anne Klein skirt is hiked up to her ears, and she's bent over your desk begging for a "capital infusion".

But you're not going to make that deposit without protection. So you reach for your Condom Paperweight.

Available for Valentine's Day and National Condom Week (February 10-16), the Condom Paperweight is made of clear French crystal and contains a stylishly packaged "Classic Select" condom. Tearing off the bottom pad gets you quick access.

It's a designer desk accessory your boss would never guess is holding your emergency love glove.

There's also a replacement kit available, in case Stacy schedules another meeting for next week.

$16.95
(25% of the profit goes to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.)
www.condompaperweights.com

Middle school issues 'ban' on intentional flatulence

AMDEN (Feb 4, 08): The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights and allegedly making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.

According to this week's "Fire Cracker" newsletter though, an informal eighth-grade publication, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.

"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"

CRMS Principal Maria Libby said Tuesday that part of what the students wrote isn't true, and though she acknowledged that there is a punishment for "disruptive behavior," she said there is no new official policy regarding intentionally expelling flatus.

"A ban on intentional farting is not true and I'm not sure if it started as a game or not," said Libby. "It is also not true that this is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions, as was stated in the newsletter, and a detention is only warranted if the behavior is deemed a disruption."

Libby added, "It's not a new policy, but farting can be considered a disruption."

According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school.

"They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence, and we all do it 16 times a day."

When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.

One of the other students, Kyle Ruger, said the act by the boys was funny, but he had mixed feelings about whether it was appropriate.

Jordan Knowlton minced no words when she expressed how she felt, saying, "It's gross."

Remy LeVine said he was in the class when CRMS science teacher Brad LaRoche talked to all the eighth-grade boys about the issue, as well as the consequences.

School Superintendent Patricia Hopkins said she had not heard anything about the issue or the alleged suspected result until contacted by the media, though she did get a good chuckle out of the news.

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS

Brew Crew Soccer Practice

Mom

An Indiana woman was arrested Wednesday on charges she gave her 11-year-old daughter alcohol and marijuana as a birthday gift, according to reports.

Davita Fuller, 26, of Anderson, Ind., has been charged with one felonious count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor after cops alleged the woman offered beer and pot to her daughter and three of her friends during a birthday party on Feb. 1, according to reports by FOX59.com and TheIndyChannel.com.

Fuller's daughter accepted the invitation, according to eyewitnesses.

"They saw her tip the alcohol beverage up and they saw her inhale what they described as a blunt," Det. Joel Sandefur of the Anderson Police Department told FOX59.com.

Fuller told police that she was smoking pot and drinking beer with her adult friends at the party, but denied giving them to her daughter, police said.

"This is something we're not going to tolerate," Sandefur said.

Beer had seat belt, but toddler didn't

ST. AUGUSTINE - A woman pulled over for allegedly running a red light had a 24-pack of beer strapped in with a seat belt but had a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat of her car with the toddler's mother, authorities said.

Tina D. Williams, 46, was arrested Sunday after she was pulled over in St. Augustine. She was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a valid license, a jail official said. Williams remained in the St. Johns County jail Tuesday after bail was set at $31,000. The jail did not have the name of her attorney.

A 24-pack of beer was strapped in the passenger-side seat belt, according to an arrest report.

The girl was in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother.

It was not clear if Tedrick would face any charges, but the child was released to her care, according to The Florida Times-Union.

Williams said she didn't know why the child wasn't restrained.

In a purse belonging to Williams, a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs, authorities said.

Hide your pets and children

The Los Angeles Times is exclusively reporting that Britney Spears has been released from a psychiatric ward at the UCLA Medical Center today after nearly a week of treatment.

Unlike the spectacle surrounding her trip to the Westwood medical facility last week, she slipped out with relatively little fanfare. A private security detail escorted her (away).
Her release comes after Spears' mother, in court documents, said her daughter's self-described friend and manager (Sam Lufti) exerted near-total control over the singer, cutting her phone lines, taking away her cellphone chargers, disabling her vehicles and grinding up pills to place in her food. Spears' mother alleges in a restraining order against the man.
Spears' mother made the allegations in a request for a restraining order against the manager, Sam Lutfi. The restraining order, approved Friday and released by the court Tuesday, bars Lutfi from coming within 250 yards of the singer.

Wait, did he actually cut her phone lines? Physically cut them? That's so cartoony, like he did it while wearing a black stovepipe hat and twirling his mustache. If he hadn't been stopped would he have tied a lady to the train tracks with those big thick ropes? Yes. Yes I think it's clear he would.

A Tribute to the Miami Heat

Perfectville

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man: "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nawsir" replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim round for awhile. Then when I whistle they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said: "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes the warden says, "Well?"

"Well what?" says the redneck.

The warden says"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

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Date: 2008-01-15, 11:46AM PST


For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting.

• This item has been posted by-owner.
• Location: Mendocino, Northern Cal
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Guide to Explaining The Super Bowl to Your Girlfriend

By Paul Lirette of Blame The Mascot

The Super Bowl is more than just a huge sports spectacle. It is the only sporting event your girlfriend will ever watch with you. Not because she cares about the game. But rather, for the party, the halftime show, the commercials and to keep that brunette, who danced a little too close to you at the New Years Eve party, away from you.

Because this is most likely the only football game she’s seen, she’ll inevitably ask dozens of questions about what is happening on the field. Such as, “Why’d that guy throw that yellow napkin thingie?”

You might find explaining football to her in guy terms difficult. So here is a handy guide on how you can explain some basic things about the game to your girlfriend, in terms she can relate to.

New England Patriots. They are like that award-winning Hollywood actress who is getting a little older, but somehow still looks great in a bikini. You know that she secretly cheated and had some “work done” early on, but you still respect how she looks. And even though you are jealous of her, you love watching her movies.

New York Giants. They are like your girlfriend you secretly make fun of, who is kind of chunky and still wears mom jeans, yet ended up with a really good looking guy. And you and your friends just can’t figure out how she did it.