More top weird news stories of 2009

ShamWow Guy in Slap Chop Bust It was a tough year for TV's most prominent pitchmen, with Billy Mays ascending to the great infomercial in the sky, and Vince Shlomi, aka "The ShamWow Guy," getting arrested after a bloody incident in which he punched a prostitute who was in the process of trying to bite off his tongue. The cannibal hooker was also arrested, although neither was ever formally charged. Centran articulated what we were all thinking when he asked, "I wonder if she loved his nuts?"

No Dating, Thanks, Just Sex It turns out women in New Zealand have twice as many sex partners as their counterparts in Australia and England, and three times the global average. So sexually aggressive are New Zealand women that 29 percent of Kiwi men report having been forced into sex unwillingly. We have no doubt these findings will do as much for New Zealand tourism as "The Lord of the Rings" did.

Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when the height-regulating gas cylinder in his office chair blew up and ruptured his anus. It's a brutal story and, frankly, it sounds made up. Then again, there are 1.3 billion people in China, and that massive number does increase the likelihood that one of them was eventually going to sit on the wrong office chair and suffer a deadly anal wound.

Hot Mom Sleeps With Three of her Daughter's Teenage Friends 40-year-old Utah mother was arrested after having sex with three boys between the ages of 15 to 17. How did they catch her? She had sent nude pictures of herself to some of her teenage paramours. After seeing a photo (although not the nude one) the general consensus was that the woman was attractive enough for this not to be remotely a crime.

Man Hired Prostitute to Take 14-Year-Old Son's Virginity A Polish national living in London wanted to help his 14-year-old son lose his virginity. So he took the boy to an area known for its streetwalkers and picked out a painted lady named Sarah. Unfortunately "Sarah" was an undercover cop, and the 42-year-old man was arrested and given a suspended sentence. According to Inactive, it was a "prostitute selection fail, parenting win."

"Hello, 911? I'm Driving Drunk" A 17-year-old girl in North Dakota put an end to her New Year's Eve drunk driving by calling the cops on herself. She was arrested for failing to have control of her vehicle while intoxicated. "This is the worst case of drunk dialing ever," Gcacho surmised.

Woman Bites Lover's Penis Off In Car Crash Everyone knows that the big risk associated with receiving oral sex in the car is that if there happens to be an accident, you are very much in jeopardy of losing your penis. Still, a man in Singapore, who did lose his penis while getting a BJ in an automobile, has the right to feel unlucky. You see, his car was parked in a lot, and the mouth penectomy only occurred after a truck backed into his stationary love mobile.

If You Commit a Felony Don't Google It or You'll Go to Jail After investigators searched his Google records, a 54-year-old man who denied his involvement in a deadly hit and run was convicted of failing to stop for a crash causing death. While the investment banker initially told the authorities he thought he had hit a deer, search phrases such as "Hit and Run," (as well as other evidence) suggested otherwise, and led to his three-year sentence.

Widow Killed by Husband' s Coffin A 67-year-old Brazilian woman was traveling to her husband's funeral in the hearse when another car hit the vehicle. The impact slammed the coffin into the head of Marciana Silva Barcelos, killing her instantly. So much for "til death do us part."

Too Fat to Work Family Says $36,000 Is Not Enough Benefit Cash (1,504)The Chawners, a married English couple and their two adult daughters, haven't been able to work in 12 years. The reason? They're too fat. Weighing in at between 240 and 340 pounds, the Chawners claim they're too heavy to find work and that the 36, 000 dollars they get a year in government assistance isn't enough to, ahem, "put food on the table."

McDonald's Sued Over Woman' s Naked Buns An Arkansas man left a cell phone -- which contained nude photos of his wife -- inside of a McDonald's. Then, after said nude photos ended up on the Internet, Phillip Sherman sued the Mickey D's for $3 million, claiming he and his wife had to move to a new town to escape from her smitten stalkers. Ask03 isn't buying it: "Most of the people I've seen at McDonald's I would not want to see nude."

I Ate Little Girls for Two Years A woman calling in to win a radio contest of the most unusual things listeners had eaten made the startling admission that she had chowed down on human flesh for two years. In a calm, matter-of-fact voice, the woman explained that the butcher her family had gone to while living in Africa was later convicted of making his mincemeat out of little girls. The unwitting cannibal then informed the morning-drive audience that people meat is sweet tasting and unusually delicious. "The cute ones are the tastiest," Shizer joked. (We think.)

12-Hour Viagra-Fueled Orgy Ends in Death (Sergey Tuganov bet two women $4,300 that he could make love to both of them, simultaneously, for 12 hours straight. And, no, this wasn't just a ploy to turn a couple female acquaintances into high-priced hookers. Determined to double his money as well as his pleasure, the 28-year-old Russian downed 30 Viagra pills before going work. Minutes after becoming the ultimate marathon man by improbably winning the wager, Tuganov died of a Viagra-induced heart attack. "He came and went at the same time," wrote Draxenato. "I wouldn't mind having that on my gravestone."