Chuck Norris Bridge

BRATISLAVA, Slovakia -- Fact: Chuck Norris will soon span the river dividing Slovakia and Austria in just one bound ... if the residents of Bratislava get their way.
Civic authorities in the capital of the former eastern Bloc nation have asked residents to come up with a name for a new cycle bridge which crosses the Morava river north of Bratislava over the border to the Austrian village of Schlosshof.
Top of the list so far is the all-action martial arts "Delta Force" star, whose name is a byword for heroic -- and sometimes downright unbelievable -- feats even in this quiet corner of Europe.
As of Friday morning, after a day of online polling, Chuck Norris had garnered well over a thousand votes, beating Austro-Hungarian empress Maria Theresa, with just over a hundred votes, into a humiliating second place.
The vote will run until April.

Signs

Only in Florida

Emu on the lamb

SOUTH HERO, Vermont (AP) - An elusive emu on the lam in Vermont has been amusing residents in communities on Lake Champlain.

The 150-pound (68-kilogram) flightless bird looks like a small ostrich. It has been spotted wandering here and there in Grand Isle and South Hero since it escaped from a local farm five weeks ago.

It was spotted again Friday outside the South Hero elementary school, where it walked by a window of the principal's office. School worker Steve Berard tried to lasso it with an extension cord, but it broke free.

The emu's owner tells WCAX-TV he bought three emus for his grandchildren but they don't make great pets.

He's taken out an ad in a local newspaper saying, "Free emu if you can capture it."

Kidney for an Ipad 2

This guy sold one thing you don't need for another, which I guess makes sense.

Apple products are notoriously hard to get when they first come out, because as well all know, you either wait in line for days, or shell out an inordinate amount of cash or do the unforgivable and be a patient civilized human being, waiting a few extra weeks for something that will make your poops more fun.

Well, this 17 year-old Chinese teen just couldn't wait so instead of being patient, he became a patient. (*Catches the tomato you just threw and throws it back into the crowd screaming and ripping his shirt off*)

The kid, only identified by his surname Zheng since he's apparently a Dick Tracy villain of some kind (?), sold his kidney for an iPad 2. According to Shanghai Daily, the boy "wanted an iPad 2 but could not afford it." However, a "broker" (aka black market organ hustler) contacted the boy online and offered to help Zheng sell his kidney for 20,000 yuan (about $3,100). He agreed and had his kidney removed for an iPad 2 in what could only have been the safest of operating tables. Also, this almost makes me want to sell my kidney to finally afford that real doll I've been meaning to get for the carpool lane. I mean who needs two kidneys in this economy?

So he was given the money (roughly $3,400) right after the removal. He went home with an iPad and his mother asked where he got it (not where he was for days because I'm pretty sure surgery and recovery takes time if the movie 9 Months has taught me correctly). Anyway, he confessed to his mother what he had done and so she called the police like a jerk.

Strangely enough the police were unable to contact the black market dealer and brokers. Shocking that this guy was unreachable. And, of course, since the surgery Zheng has since had post-surgery issues. The hospital where his kidney was illegally removed wasn't qualified or equipped to do that kind of procedure. The hospital also claimed they had no knowledge of the surgery, though they did admit to contracting out the urology department to a Fijian businessman (the best urologists in the world).

Zheng's health continues to decline and while he may not be able to run and play sports like a normal 17 year-old he's already beat your high score on Angry Birds Seasons (2012) and your score on non-arcade Fruit Ninja.

Women Sells Herself for Epic Flying Horse

This must have caused the ultimate Sophie's choice for hardcore gamers on Craigslist. I'm glad I wasn't in their shoes because god only knows what I would've done.

A woman needed 5,000 gold coins (which is the currency in the game World Of Warcraft) so she could buy an "epic flying mount". Instead of earning the coins herself she hopped on Craigslist and offered up the most valuable thing she had to offer the world at the time: some sex *cue 70s music that was actually very rarely used in real porn*.

In her Craigslist ad she explained what she was looking for down to the last detail (as "epic flying mount" somehow wasn't clear enough) and also asked that the person responding "send a picture, be real, drug and disease free, and have the 5,000 "coins" she "needed". She also asked for payment up front. Which is awesome. And legal, somehow.

But then word got around... I mean Craigslist isn't a place to post things you don't want everyone to know about. She got very upset when people made fun of her on the internet, so to remedy this she took out ANOTHER Craigslist ad, demonstrating that this girl was most likely related to that one woman who swallowed a fly we all grew up singing about.

In her new ad she said she got her "epic flying mount and got laid which is more than most of you failures can ever hope for" and that she was meeting up with some guy for a second go.

STRIKE!!!

Workers at Hostess Brands, maker of Twinkies , Ho Hos and Wonder Bread, have threatened to strike if the company imposes "unfair" contract terms, including wage cuts.

The Teamsters Union, representing about 7,500 of the company's 19,000 employees, said that more than 90 percent of its Hostess members voted to authorize a strike if "unfair contract terms" are approved as part of its bankruptcy proceedings.

Hostess, based in Irving, Texas, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection Jan. 11 and is  continuing to operate during bankruptcy proceedings.

The company, which operates about 36 bakeries, has proposed new collective bargaining contracts for which a hearing is set on March 5. The U.S. bankruptcy judge will have 30 days to issue a ruling, the Teamsters Union said.

Dennis Raymond, director of the Teamsters Bakery and Laundry Conference, said the vote shows that while the union's Hostess members are willing to "take significant steps to save the company, they can only go so far."

Hostess, founded in 1930, filed for bankruptcy in 2004 and re-emerged in 2009. The company has about $860 million in debt.

"Twice before, they have made sacrifices to help this company with no progress to show for it," Raymond said in a statement. "They need to see their sacrifices matched by other key stakeholders and they need protections to make sure their sacrifices are not made in vain again due to mismanagement. While we remain committed to finding a solution to save the company, it won't be done solely on the backs of our members and Hostess employees."

A spokesman for Hostess declined to comment on the Teamsters' announcement.

Members of 12 unions make up the majority of Hostess workers. Almost 92 percent of the union employees belong to one of two unions: the International Brotherhood of Teamsters or the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union, the latter of which has about 6,000 members, according to the Wall Street Journal and Reuters.

The 2 Weirdest Reasons We Have Sex

#2. Why Do We Have Sex at All? To Fight Parasites (Duh)

Let's face it: Sex is about as intuitive as shoving a summer sausage into a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. If mankind had to start all over from scratch, we're not so sure we'd figure intercourse out the second time around. There are, after all, major disadvantages to sexual intercourse. The opportunity to contract and transmit diseases, for one. And for another, think of all the energy and resources that go into courtship. It's not like Olive Garden meals are going to pay for themselves, you know.

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"So ... the grilled sausage comes with the clam side in a light creamy sauce? This menu is weird."

Compare that to the ways that some far stupider animals reproduce. For example, aphids don't need boys at all -- the girls just fart out clones of themselves every 10 minutes or so. Some starfish just have to shed a limb to make a baby. OK, maybe that's not the best example of a better way to do things. But it's definitely simpler.

Everyone wants efficiency these days, but no one wants to pay the price.

So why didn't humanity take a different turn -- one where we kept the species going by just cloning ourselves? Why can't we and other sex-having species just squirt out spores from our orifices and call it a day?
The Theory:
The answer is that sex -- the mingling-of-fluid kind -- results in constant adaptation. Every kid is carrying the best of her mom, her dad, her grandparents and their lovers. Every one of us is a mess of genetic material coming from all over the place. And that's good, because change is what keeps us ahead of the game when it comes to our biological enemies.

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Also because your family isn't really your type.

According to the Red Queen hypothesis, we have to keep adapting to keep moving forward. The theory comes from a scene in Through the Looking Glass when Alice and the Red Queen race but never move. The queen says, "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."

"And if you're running on a road made of wind and purple, then you're tripping out just the right amount."

Likewise, humans are in a kind of arms race with every other species, especially the ones that matter to us most: parasites. Animals who reproduce asexually never get a chance to mix things up -- to come up with new and better combinations of genes for the next generation. That makes them more vulnerable when a parasite comes along.

"I am become machete! Fuck worms!"

Scientists have even proven the Red Queen theory in the lab. No, not by hosting a couple and watching them breed, then comparing their medical weaknesses to a family of human clones. They just used a particular bacteria and its viral parasite. The nice thing about bacteria is that you can watch hundreds of generations evolve over a short amount of time. So they took one bit of bacteria and isolated it from its parasite partner. Then they took another bit of the same kind of bacteria and let it co-evolve with its parasite, just as it would in the wild.

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"Yes, yes, that's it. Now show your flagella."

Five minutes and thousands of generations later, the second group had evolved twice as fast as the first, with more mutations and diversity. Then, just to be mean, they took the virus from the second group and infected the isolated bacteria with it. The bacteria was annihilated. If we didn't have sex, that bacteria would be us every time we came across a new cold.

#1. The Female Orgasm: The Happiest Accident

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The male orgasm might be a little messy, but at least it makes sense. Everything about the process of ejaculation is geared toward either human-making or keeping the tissue industrial complex going. God knows we need both if we want to continue as a species. But the female orgasm is a different (cleaner/sexier) animal. The only thing anyone gets out of a female orgasm is a good time.

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And blowjob leverage.

So, as a quick review, there are two kinds of lady orgasms. The rare kind is vaginal, the regular kind is clitoral. When you hear the term "G-spot," they're talking about vaginal orgasms (on the inside). Between 70 and 80 percent of people of the female persuasion get their orgasms via clitoris (on the outside).

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Supply your own genital metaphors here. We're tapped for the year.

So experts have proposed all kinds of theories to answer the question of why women have orgasms at all. Like that the contractions are supposed to suck sperm toward the uterus and that orgasms are supposed to exhaust women so they'll stay horizontal, so gravity will help sperm hit its mark. But one theory stands head and more head above the rest.
The Theory:
The clitoris is the remains of what would have been a penis. You might even say it's a pre-penis.

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Or preenis.

According to biology professor Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, there is zero evolutionary purpose for the female orgasm. Zero. It does absolutely nothing for procreation, nothing to advance the species. But the reason women have them is the same reason men have nipples -- leftovers. Here's the idea: We all start out as sexless tadpoles in the womb. Before the boys become boys and the girls become girls, the basement starts developing nerve and tissue pathways in the exact same places. Then God gives us our assignments and we start our path to Gendertown. But that order -- nerves first, genitals second -- is the reason women get to share in the goodness of orgasms. And maybe why the clitoris looks like it does.

You should probably get this checked out.

In other words, gentlemen, the lady you're boinking is sporting a baby penis, despite her constant protestations to the contrary.

Your Survival Guide to Valentine’s Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day, the most important day out of the year for many women.

If you are in a long-term exclusive relationship, you know the drill – flowers, chocolate, and take her somewhere nice.

But what if you’re single, not committed, dating multiple women, etc? That’s when Valentine’s Day gets tricky. But don’t worry, we have some special Love Systems techniques designed to help you out in each case:

If You're Single:
Go out. There will be lots of single women looking to meet people. Be prepared for questions like “why aren’t you on a date tonight?” or “why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Don’t answer these head-on. Make a joke out of it by saying your nine girlfriends sent you out to look for a tenth or that you feel guilty because you technically never broke up with your second grade girlfriend when you moved schools and don’t want to cheat on her.

Here are some valuable Valentine's Day tips to help turn the day to your advantage:
- Send a mass text message of "Happy Valentine's Day" to all of the women in your phone, whether you've talked to them recently or not, and even if a woman's been blowing you off. You have nothing to lose.

- Send this text in the early afternoon... women who are interested in you will text back.

- For the ones who text or call back, the dance starts. Let the conversation go a bit and then ask her what she's doing tonight. If she's not sure, say that you were going to boycott Valentine's Day and grab a few drinks and invite her to "join up later." Imply that you'll be doing this whether she comes out or not.

BUT - this is the important part - keep your line of retreat open. If she responds with anything other than a "not sure" or some other hint that she's available, you need to have a solid reason why you're not doing something. For example:

YOU: [Random conversation.] What are you up to tonight?
HER: Going to party, you?
YOU: [Noticing that she hasn't hinted at seeing you tonight.]
"Ha, I'll be getting used to being an uncle. I'm in Chicago this weekend; my sister had a baby yesterday!" or
"Me too. But it's a white party and I just realized I have nothing white. I might have to resort to bleach."
- Do NOT imply that you have nothing to do.

- If you end up meeting up with someone through this method, do NOT act like it's Valentine's Day or make it all romantic. Go to a bar or club, have some drinks, have fun.

If You're Dating Multiple Women:
- If you’re seeing multiple women in your city and each of them would expect to get taken out on Valentine’s, then leave town. I’m serious. Find some work or family excuse. Don’t try to split your Valentine’s into multiple dates , and you’ll never get away with regularly dating a woman and then being too busy on Valentine’s.

- Make it a business trip, a family emergency, etc. Whatever it is, leave before Friday and don't come back on Sunday. That's too obvious. Disappear for at least a couple of days.

- Leaving town doesn’t mean ignoring. Flowers and a phone call should get you through the day with all of the women you’re seeing if they buy your story on leaving town.

If You're Dating Someone But She's Not Your "Girlfriend":
This is the trickiest one. Valentine's Day is great for women because it forces men to reveal their intentions.

You may have been casually flirting with her and playing hard to get, but as soon as you ask her out on Valentine's Day, she will know that your interest is serious. Unless she is equally interested in you, she will know that she can have you, and will therefore be more likely to get bored with the lack of a challenge. And being "challenging" is one of the eight attraction triggers.

Yes, this sucks. No, it doesn't mean she's a bitch. People want what they can't have, and women and relationships are no exception. On the other hand, if she's into you and you don't offer to make plans... you may be discarded for someone who does. Sorry. This can be a no-win situation. I didn't make the world, I just live in it.

The best bet here is to go out with a mixed group (either a group of singles, or include some couples once they've done the private Valentine's Day stuff together) and invite her to come along. Keep it nice and ambiguous.

More Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

Fleshlight iPad Case

Help the man in your life consummate his love for handling fleshy fake genitalia in a whole new and modern way. Also makes the perfect wedding gift.

Price: TBD, but most likely priceless

Sexy-Body Computer Mouse

Do you find that your man is merely going through the motions while surfing his favorite voyeur sites at three in the morning? Just the same-old same-old, night after night? Change his attitude with this computer mouse shaped like the human female form—guaranteed to make your geeky stud long once again for the heady rush of romance.

Price: $29.90

LED Belt Buckle

Nothing says "take off my pants" like a belt buckle that can be programmed to read "TAKE OFF MY PANTS.” If you’re really feeling naughty, write it out in cursive!

Price: $19.99

Horse Head Mask

Men, you can finally fulfill your life-long dream of being hung like a horse, while also fulfilling her dream of fornicating with a quasi-mythological creature. And your dream of filming it all.

Price: $26.28

Wall Tentacle

Put your money where your mouth is by supporting your partner's love of cephalopods with this three-foot-long, one-of-a-kind Styrofoam wall tentacle. Also makes for a terrific graduation present, assuming they’re graduating from community college.

Price: $3,500

Live Exotic Spiders

What woman doesn’t adore a spider in her bed while she makes sweet, sweet love? For a cheaper route to romance, try live exotic bedbugs.

Price: Starting at around $20

Valentine's Day Gift Guide

2012 Fairy Tale Fantasies Calendar

Treat your man to "A Whole New World" of questionable sexual proclivity with this 2012 calendar of fairytale hotties and realistic-looking foxxxy blond mermaids, courtesy of the legendary comic book artist J. Scott Campbell.

Price: $25

Aurora Plush Unicorn Fancy Pal

Is your boyfriend just a bit too macho? Is he constantly starting bar fights and embarrassing you with his “rough around the edges” style? Maybe all this tough guy really needs is an elegant, fuzzy, stuffed pal. When a man feels truly fancy, he sees the whole world as fancy. That phrase is copyrighted.

Price: $9.99

Dinoprints

All men love a dinosaur—at least an illustrated one. By giving him this special gift, you will imply: "I would like to ride your Woolly Mammoth."

Price: $49.95

Pajama Jeans

Finally, a product that makes getting into her pants that much more convenient for everyone involved.

Price: $39.95

Milla Jovovich's Red Dress from Resident Evil: Extinction

Why limit your Resident Evil role-playing to the boring confines of the bedroom? Dress your lovely lady like the beautiful Milla Jovovich that you really wish her to be, all the while pretending to fight zombies in the post-apocalypse! She'll be ripping that red dress off before you can say, "Damn it, woman! That thing cost me four grand!"

Price: $3,999.99

Portable Stripper Pole

Now she won't have any more excuses for not exercising when you guys go out of town to visit your elderly relatives.

Price: $154

Airbags

A 32-year-old model who held the record for the world's largest implants has walked away from a car crash after her breasts acted as an airbag.
Sheyla Hershey, who has 38KKK breasts, was driving home near Houston, Texas, after a Super Bowl party on Sunday when she crashed into a tree.
The mother was charged with drunk-driving after the incident and allegedly was not wearing a seatbelt when she lost control of her Ford Mustang.

Huge assets: Sheyla Hershey, who has 38KKK breasts, was driving home to Houston, Texas, after a Super Bowl party on Sunday when she crashed into a tree

'I think my breasts saved my life,' she told Barcroft Media. 'The accident was bad and my boobs are sore, but they protected the rest of me.'

Her car spun around and hit a tree during the crash but she denied the drunk-driving charge in court on Monday

Alcoholism Inventions 3-1

#3. The Worst Game in the World

Patent Application #US2004/0188942 A1Mark Trokan's invented a "nonalcoholic beer-pong game system," so his other inventions must be a social network for Halo players and a flavorless inhaler with all the health benefits of regular bacon. The only other people to extract the horrible parts of something so precisely are cancer surgeons. The whole point of beer pong is getting drunk enough to engage in unhygienically sticking things into fluid with strangers.

Patenting this game means they want to sell it and are therefore insane. Drink pong is less sanitary than bobbing for apples after the Toxic Avenger.
The patent makes the usual polysyllabic attempts at intelligence, describing "a plurality of colored beer-pong balls" aimed at "frustoconical shapes." They also realize that sober beer pong misses the point of everything so hard it's almost an antimeaning of life, so they write challenges on the balls to add a "degree of edginess." They're the sort of humorless assholes who'd write "zany" in cold blood. When your invention is "something college students do, but stupider," it's not a patent, it's dangerous proof that the nurses let you have something as pointed as a pen.

#2. Beer Bottle Fruit Clip

Patent Application #US2011/0042343 A1

Jeffery Bartucci's patent reads like a dictionary cheating at Scrabble. He wants to patent keeping fruit wedges proximate a bottle spout using the distal end of a cantilevered containment arm, and when he describes his childhood he describes gustatorily investigating domicile coloration fluid.

This guy uses more steps to put fruit in a bottle than the Ghostbusters did to put ghosts in the Ecto-Containment Unit.

If you need mechanical assistance to put fruit in your beer, that's a level of impotence dick doctors don't have a word for yet. They only know that every time you fail to have sex you fade out of old photographs. The clip also has a smaller target market than giraffe leashes for dwarfs, because if you're prepared to make an effort to use special equipment for drinking, you've probably found a beer you can bear the taste of in the first place. Shoving citrus chunks into a bottle is how bartenders say, "We understand you desire our cheapest alcoholic water and have already placed vomit mops on standby."

That's not a clip, that's a kickass Need for Speed level.

A truly terrifying amount of design has gone into this thing. It's got more carefully artificial curves than Cher, and you'd have to drink several beers before considering using either. He's also designed more special-function variants of this equipment than the Batman.

I feel the sudden need to apologize to the inventor. And sleep with my dick in a safety deposit box.

#1. The Beer Belly

Patent Application #US2007/0056998 A1The "system for beverage storage and concealment" is the exact same idea everyone who's ever paid for stadium beer has had. And Lee Tyler Olson is the worst inventor of all of them.

I'm really glad he's designing beer-smuggling equipment or I'd feel bad mocking the child with a newly discovered syndrome who drew this. I don't know if the U.S. Patent Office gives gold stars for effort, but that smiley face radiates such brain-damaged joy at his beer, body armor, carefully drawn abs and huge swinging dong that I'm seriously considering buying one for Brockway. It looks like a child drawing the worst father ever as a superhero, knowing that his parents love beer because that's what he had for amniotic fluid.
Our only proof that it wasn't drawn by a child is that a young boy would have been giggling too hard to finish scribbling a penis on the cover of a patent application. This design is actually a cunning strategy: By not threading the tube through the bag, and instead having you hunch over to suck on your own crotch, you gain several minutes of drinking time as security guards wait for police backup before even attempting to stop you.
There may be a few problems with prior art, but as we've seen, art is Olson's fatal weakness. The way this exact device was used in several comedies in the '80s and was already for sale before 2007 might also be an issue.

thebeerbelly.com
I often find that it's chiseled-jaw hunks who need to sneak drinks in public places. In the mirror.

The provisional application was made in 2005. Olson was working on this for over a year, and this was still the best he could do. Babies improve at drawing faster than that. He didn't even use a ruler. This may be the only patent application completed during product testing.

It's a tragedy, because the basic idea of body armor made with alcohol instead of Kevlar is sound: We've been threatened by sobriety far more often than by bullets.

Alcoholism Inventions 4-7

Necessity might be the mother of invention, but alcohol is the wish-granting genie: faster, more spectacular and almost infinitely more guaranteed to go wildly wrong and make you look stupid in the morning. Luckily, some people are stupid no matter what time it is and took the ideas that came to them while drunk to the patent office. Only idiots operate machinery under the influence of alcohol, but there must be special super-idiots who invent machinery while drinking the stuff.

#7. The Cocktail Hat

Patent #4,681,244 This is a hard hat with more fluid tubes than the human body. It was invented by John D. Geddie, presumably in an attempt to solve his two most common problems: falling off bar stools and hitting his head on the ground, and being subsequently cut off by whoever saw him fall, as well as the guy who rode with him in the ambulance. His solution to these problems is both a testament to his love of booze and a symptom of multiple concussions.

RoboCop has simpler headgear.

The helmet appears to have plenty of plumbing issues, but the grossest part has to be all the residual alcohol left in the tubes in between uses. Before you get to the daiquiri you just poured, you're going to have to make your way through a couple inches of runoff vermouth from last weekend. Of course, anyone who considers the standard glass-to-mouth drinking method too much work probably isn't going to mind.
A more serious problem for the type of person who would own this helmet is the bank of eight tiny controls on the forehead. Any man who is so desperate for alcohol that he will suck sticky liquids through a foot of narrow-gauge pipe should not be trusted to remember which identical knob controls the vodka.

Several vital plumbing connections run through the inside of the helmet where normal people keep their brain.

Eight controls for only six drink reservoirs may seem a bit odd, but keep in mind that the inventor was probably seeing double when he designed it.

#6. Beerbrella

Patent Application #US 2003/0075208 A1

The only way you could not see the problem with the Beerbrella is if you'd already tried to use it and poked out an eye.

Nope, they still can't see the problem.

Three inventors got through seven schematics without realizing that they'd invented an antibeer shield. They're either total idiots or devilishly cunning anti-alcohol crusaders: The Beerbrella itself might only stop you for a second, but clumsily stabbing yourself in the face with this would force bystanders to stage an intervention in the middle of Oktoberfest. They also bring the worst of the world of cocktails to simple beer with a "tropical base" ...

The Thunderbirds built more sensible things around small fake trees.

... which is blatantly unnecessary, because fitting an umbrella to your beer is already ringing a douchebag alarm loud enough to deafen everyone within earshot. Only one of their designs acknowledges that people actually drink beer, including a pivot system and counterweight to double the bottle's weight. And since trash like this is only ever built by the current winner of the "Country With Fewer Human Rights for Workers Than an Ant Colony" award, the only one not designed to poke your eye out is probably going to break after approximately 0.5 uses. We'd make fun of them more, but being the first people in history to prevent beer from working is actually sort of impressive.

#5. Meat Beer

Patent #US 7,037,541 B2Mr. Okada says he just wants to provide new drinks for the world and "achieve a wider range of alcohol content." If only every madman cutting up chunks of flesh and dissolving them in acid was so well-intentioned. Combining leftover meat parts and bizarre chemical experimentation isn't brewing, it's how you build Frankenstein's monster. His patent isn't just meat flavoring; the alcohol itself comes from flesh, presumably so that you can get rage-drunk by ingesting both the spirit of the animal and the madness of the inventor. It's the most idiotically manly way to get drunk short of smashing a bottle of whiskey over a Terminator's head and then licking it off.

Warner Bros, Columbia Pictures

Most beers are already unsuitable for vegetarians because of isinglass -- ground, dried fish bladders mixed into our our magical beer to make it clearer and also sound more like actual witchcraft. This patent uses aqueous animal extract fermented with lactic acid bacteria and yeast, and doesn't involve wriggling maggots because they don't need to make it sound less appetizing.
In fact, they probably couldn't. "Drinking the meat beer" sounds like something you have to do to join a fraternity in hell.

#4. Deep-Fried Beer

Patent Application #US2001/0014320 A1Mark Zable started with "unhealthy food tastes good" they same way Einstein started with "I don't think space is flat," chasing the thought through an insane level of work to a reality-redefining result: deep-fried beer. His patent-pending process blends beer with acid-dissolved bone meal and animal skin, coats it in batter, throws the whole thing in hot burning oil and screams raw hatred at hearts and livers. But those already dead cannot hear. This is less a fried snack than a personal vendetta against the transplant industry.
We're not saying this is a drunken flash of genius scribbled on the back of a napkin four hungry hours into a drinking session, but here's the entire schematic on the front of the patent application.

We're fairly sure sanitary pads have already been invented.

It took Zable three years to work out the recipe because his experimentally fried protosnacks kept exploding. Returning to the same place full of explosions three years running for a ridiculous reason technically means he's an action hero.

Only on a deep-fried beer patent would random stains be a full figure.

The process of frying liquifies the jellied beer, and Zable can see absolutely no problem with a piping-hot dough shell full of liquid. His text describes a fried dough snack with "an aliquot of a beer-flavored component," and honestly, we weren't expecting the guy throwing pizza dough and beer into a deep-fat fryer to teach us new words. We understand that the guy approaching the government with scribbled sketches of things thrown into boiling oil in the name of hungry science has to prove he's not stupid, but by the time you've finished reading about trapezoidal farinaceous wrappings around aliquots, you'll know what "sesquipedalian" means. And still want to try one.